Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
