The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
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No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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