I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
