you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I pour the whiskey from now on
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
