At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
