The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
