i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony