The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth