The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
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afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
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I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
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