last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize