i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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