Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
