when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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