just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize