Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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