I must be too annoying 4 u.
Barsexuality is the new black.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
