My sheets look like a crime scene.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
