after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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