Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
