she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
