Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
