Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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