Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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