Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
