I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
