Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
