I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
