she takes plan B like it's going out of style
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Randomize
