Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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