Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
