im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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