this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
