I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
