that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
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if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
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It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
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