I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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