I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
