Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
