Dude my mom stole all your condoms
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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