fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
fuck your aforementioned shoe
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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