if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
