I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
