He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
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John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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