I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
