i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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