I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
