I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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