I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
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You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
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I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.