I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.