I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I love having hate sex.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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