I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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