Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
