hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
