I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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