it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
