The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
