I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
