Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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